The Problem With Tamil Movies

I am a fan of some good Tamil movies but I am also at a state of disgust for some. People often tell me "ala, Tamil movie just leave your brains at home and go watch" and I am like why should I? I think it is critical for me to use my brain especially to make logic sense of some of the scenes in the movie. For one, I often kill my neurons figuring out why is there a song out of no where and how does one person take on a whole village of parang* wielding mad men?

My wife once told me that Hollywood makes something impossible look possible and in Bollywood/Kollywood** they make even the possible look impossible. That was indeed a very good assessment by my dear wife. This assessment can be put to test by taking the example of the movie Armageddon and the rest of the 100 000 Tamil movies. In Armageddon, a group of roughnecks are sent to an asteroid to blow it up by using nuclear devices before it devours the earth... sounds plausible. It may be impossible but still sounds like a plan. In a Tamil movie, you can instantaneously make a car leap into the air to avoid a road block. I have tried numerous times to pull my steering wheel upwards to try and make my car do at least a wheelie let alone make it fly but to no avail. Another annoying scene in a Tamil movie is when they blow up vehicles, it always flies 300 feet into the air. To you Tamil movie buffs, that unfortunately isn't true. When a car blows up, it does not fly, it just flings shrapnel in every direction where I wish a crap Tamil movie director would be in its way!

One Tamil movie that everyone loved including my parents was Vinnai Thandi Varuvaaya (or shortened to VTV). In my honest point of view, the movie was absolute crap and thank god my wife shared the same view. Sorry to burst your bubble but in the movie where they depict the hero being in love and all that other crap was nothing but lust! All Simbu*** wanted to do was to touch the girl and get into her pants. There I said it. I hated the movie despite all the hype about it. I cheekily included this paragraph in this article because I needed some avenue to vent out the frustration I have for this movie.

I also have wondered how does one dodge bullets better than Superman! All you have to do is see the bullets coming at you in slow motion and duck. Padaiyappa is a good example of this. Remember the last scene; Ramya Krishnan shoots toward Rajini and he just moves aside and the bullets miraculously miss him. Dude, that's a bloody AK47; one just does not escape its wrath by ducking. In the same scene, Rajini hurls a Vel**** in the direction of a raging bull which superbly lands itself upright in front of the bull causing it to immediately apply a disc brake on all fours. Seriously, why would I not be raging mad like the bull when I see scenes like that. It rebels against my intelligence. I paid good money for the movie.

There are also Tamil movies that have copied so many English movies and made it look bad. I pity the original screenwriters, directors and producers of the English movies that have had their movie massacred by giving it a Tamil twist. An example of such movie was Pachai Kili Muthucharam which is a copy of Derailed. The copy was not so bad in the beginning but towards the end of the movie they added the Tamil Masala to it, where Sarath Kumar had to battle the boss version of Jothika! The scene was absolutely uncalled for and killed the movie.

Don't get me wrong guys, I don't really hate Tamil movies through and through but a majority of the movies out there defy logic and it is disturbing. Some of you guys may say, don't watch it but hey, there have been some good movies especially from director Venkat Prabhu and a handful of other young directors. So the problem is, I do not know what I am in for until I have watched the movie. In most cases I end up with a facepalm and contemplate suicide by the end of the movie. I do get a kick out of the absurdity in these movies as it helps my constipation because I laugh till I shit. What Tamil movies need right now is to get rid of all those old directors who think masala sells and instead promote the young directors who have bright ideas and PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET RID OF SONGS IN THE MOVIE! I do not want to see any idiots break out in a flashmob several times in a film!

*Parang = Standard Tool used to hack people to death in Tamil movies and in real life. Otherwise known as a machete

**Bollywood/Kollywood = North Indian and South Indian version of Hollywood respectively.

***Simbu = A totally untalented South Indian actor who thinks the world of himself

****Vel = A spear held by Lord Muruga but sometimes given to actors who the Indian people regard as god. An atrocity, I know.